| It's been two years. |
[27 Feb 2008|09:05pm] |
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I can't remember the last time I sat down to write. Usually I turn to a journal is because I can't sort it out in my mind. The eternal loop: same issues recycled from new circumstances.
You plea to the universe to give you the answer. You flip a coin, pull petals from flowers, analyze dreams all in search for the answer the universe will surely display. It's a sickly feeling when the flower tells you "he loves you not." The phrase resonates through your body and via some broken pathway, is verified.
This past month has felt like I'm breathing water. The floor beneath my feet has cracked and I've fallen thru. I will bob to the surface and regain my bearings, but the undertow pulls me down again.
It would be so easy for me to give up and let the current swift me away. I've been down that way before and it took years to pull myself back. It's a hard fight and the only one I was able to confess with today, was a dog. I feel utterly ridiculous to say these things to another person. I feel as if I'm over analyzing and promoting drama that I can't even verify as significant.
I feel wounded, my heart is slowly breaking. Each night seems lonelier than the last. I feel distance growing and I can't seem to turn around - if I do, will he?
The bowels of my stomach are telling me that they have an answer. They say that he is only waiting it out. Come this august he will stay and "I do not love you" is what he'll say.
There has to be a positive side. With great doubt comes great enlightenment. I'll give people the benefit of the doubt.
How do I speak with him so that he would understand? The past two attempts were utter failures. I could go over the conversation a hundred times in my mind, but when I open my mouth it becomes more like emotional vomit. Is it a wasted effort to try to convert emotions into logical arguments. Isn't logic and emotions the yin and yang of consciousness?
Does he realize my dilemma? What does the third person think of this situation? Big brother are you watching - if you are, give me a hint?!
I am flirting with despair and it feels like a forbidden lover. I want to be that bright shining light that is easy to see. I want to experience the good in people, myself; I wont crawl through life in the dark, under the visual line.
I don't know why I remembered this journal after years, and why it was today for that matter. I don't know if I will write again, here at least. I'm hoping for a sense of grounding of thoughts when I hit the post button. As to say, these are my thoughts today and there is no need to keep referring to them come tomorrow. Stop obsessing.
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| A New Direction |
[11 Jul 2005|03:58pm] |
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I was in Arizona pretty much all of last month, helping my dad get everything situated from my grandfather's death. While I was down there, I was fortunate to meet an incredible lady named Susie. She lives down the street from my grandfather's house at the Tucson National Golf course. My dad knows her because she is one of the younger persons who lives there. Susie has a major health complication and is allowed to smoke marijuana where ever she pleases. hehehe. We got to meet each other because Susie is into horses. She owns a warmblood reserve champion named Travis. I took lessons from sixth grade until the end of my sophomore year so I was really excited to get back on a horse. I took a lesson from her trainer and ended up taking three more on a younger thoroughbread. Susie hooked me up with some of her old paddock boots, chaps, and britches since all of the above were required dress. It was very inspiring to see the set up of the stable and premises.
While I was down there my dad and I were helping each other discover what we wanted to do with our lives. We also saw his psychologist to help narrow it down and how to listen for good ideas and etc. I haven't been happy studying at the U, working in a biotech co., or working any 9-5 type job. I need flexibility and freedom. I need to be outdoors and doing some sort of physical exercise. The main reason that I went into genetics and neuroscience was because it would make me enough money so that I could get a ranch in the mountains and have some horses. So why not go directly there?
Colorado State University has an Equine of Science degree. They have courses in english equitation and jumping, training, teaching, stable management, horse health, etc. I want to show horses. I want to train them. I want to give lessons. I want to own a ranch. I want to build little cabins so I could have camps or bed and breakfasts. What I would really like to do is get some gov. funding or grant to open a camp for inter-city kids to experience the real outdoors. It would be free for them and would give them a chance to get away from all of the problems poor kids usually have. I went to a few camps growing up and I think it helped a lot.
Thats my dream in a nutshell. Today, I called about 4 riding stables in the area and left a message with two of them. Hopefully they will call me back with info of how much it costs, what styles they teach, and if they do any showing.
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| Teddybear cati are so hugable |
[16 May 2005|01:42am] |
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I'm leaving on a jet plane....
Tomorrow morning (today's morning) I am leaving for Arizona to visit my dad and grandpa; my older brother is flying out with me! I haven't seen him for quite a while so it will be nice.
I'm gonna sit by the pool. play a lil golf. EAT home cooked meals and restaurant cooked meals...
I'm gonna hike to the top of Mt. Lemon. Get sunburned, probably. Come back all tanned. ooh la la
Take lots of pictures. Say good bye to my grandpa and help my dad out with crappy crap.
I think I might have passed Organic Chemistry, finally. I was doing lil happy dances all day.
I'm sleepy, no more packing.
Here is a picture of the jacket I made and wore to the Goth Prom:
once I told my mom about this jacket she is pushing for fashion design,
I don't know, it would be fun....
Good thing I'm done with school for a year and can think about it for a while.
Oh yeah, I'm not going to move to Cali :( maybe next year. Or maybe I should stick to my original plan and move after I graduate. If I graduate. Goddamin is the U expensive. Almost not worth it. poop.
ciao
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[16 Apr 2005|09:55pm] |
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artistic |
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music |
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Radiohead - Let Down |
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Hello again.
Last night was my first art showing. There were local djs, spoken word artists, and hip hop performers. Besides art and photography from local artists there was also an art station in the back were people could let their inspiration flow.
( Read more... )
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| Back to School |
[19 Jan 2005|12:35pm] |
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I should start remembering to bring my cd-player with me, it's nice when your day has a soundtrack. My classes are good so far. I've been to organic chemistry and my psych class so far. My classes are:
Chem 2301 Organic chemistry 1 (again) weee! I'll get it this time, promise.
Ger 1002
Psy 3005W Research Methods and Statistics w/ Lab (This class looks to be fun)
Phys 1302W Physics 2 (I think this semester will be more enjoyable sense we get to learn about electricity) ZAP
Not too bad, 16 credits. No way am I going to take 20 credits again.
I didn't go to school yesterday for a variety of reasons. I know I know the first day of class.... but shit happens. I'm here today.
I need to remind myself more often that there is time to do many of my hobbies even while in school - I have this delusion that I have NO time and all of the No time that I have should be devoted to school to be able to do well. Fuck that shit. 16 credits is equivalent to a 40 hr work week, I have plenty of time to start up a sewing project or a new painting. Plenty of time, Lyriel. All I have to do is get my shit done as soon as possible (procrastination is like malignant cancer). Just DO it.
Ok enough of the pep talk.
Advice??
Murphy puts it nicely, "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself." or the classic, "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
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| nothing really |
[05 Jan 2005|03:08pm] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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zero 7 |
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I don't like summarizing my time off so I'm not going to. I had a nice x-mas and a lame new years. No one can through a party anymore.
I made most of my presents this year. I still need to send some of them out. I think its fun when x-mas lasts for a month... or so. :)
It's three in the afternoon and I'm sitting in my bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, my roommate is still sleeping. It's so comphy to sit around almost naked.
Do I have anything remotely interesting to write about?
It is such a nice feeling knowing that I don't have any homework that I should be doing. nothing. null.
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| I eat physics for breakfast |
[16 Nov 2004|03:36pm] |
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So far, there isn't much difference between getting three hours of sleep and getting eight. I was up until 3:30 am studying calculus and german - yet neither of them is due today. I just felt like studying - I must be getting back into that dorkus groove again :) I'm still having trouble falling asleep - I tossed and turned for over an hour last night. Couldn't shut off the tv in my head.
I was blasted out of bed this morning at 7:30 by a fucking power tool cutting the bricks out from around my window. The building is +100 yrs old and they are doing renovation. I wasn't supposed to get up until 9:30... hmph.
Now what am I doing? Sittin in the computer lab avoiding writing my philosophy paper which is due on thursday, Lyriel. ...I did some work - I wrote an outline and have a few paragraphs written. *twiddles thumbs*
... Turtles ... I had a dream involving many turtles - bright green baby cute turtles, big ancient monster turtles, etc... Any significance of turtles? I have a fear of snapping turtles (they'll bite my toesies off!!) so I don't like to swim in water that I can't see the bottom. And thats where I was in my dream - a murky river and I was trying to escape from a mean little muskie that was trying to eat me. I saw the cute little green turtles and I tried to save them from the muskie but then I tripped over the monster snapping turtle and I dropped the little guys.
yeah, I think I get it now.
procrastination....!!!!!!
'what do you think you're doing? Is that paper of yours going to write itself??'
oh, the sweat voice of reason. how I love thee.
:) <- happy face today!
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| For those who want to know what depression can be like... |
[27 Oct 2004|02:34am] |
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complacent |
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Portishead - Humming |
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I was skimming through some old notebooks the other day and I found a few journal entries.
This one was from early this year:
( 1.25.04 )
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| An overly detailed account of my day |
[26 Oct 2004|02:45am] |
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awake |
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music |
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Covenant - Stalker |
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This morning I was up before the second alarm clock went off - I don't think that has happened since the first day of school this semester. Also, that night I was tossing and turning for hours before I finally settled.
Went to O chem and deutsch made it through just fine. Heh, on my way to german I ran into this kid who is also in my calc class and he was standing outside of the computer lab. I walk up to him and tell him we have class upstairs today and that tomorrow we'll be in the computer lab. I walk away and he has one of the most confused faces I've seen. Then I realize he's not in my german class about half way down the hall and I turn back around and shout "pay no attention to me I'm a lil nuts this morning." More strange looks.
German was annoying/frustrating (as usual I suppose). We were going over the same concept for most of the class and no one would answer our T.A. so I started singing the answers if no one else would answer. That started to get boring so I just sat there and stared at the other people until one of them would answer - or I would shout at them to wake up. I don't think they understand that if they were to pay attention and contribute something in class once in a while then it would move faster and we could cover more material thus making it not so fucking boring. hmph.
After german I headed over to the purple onion for meine Kaffee und Zigarette pause. I ordered my usual (double americano with cream and three raw sugars yumm) and paid them for my drink from last week (the two nice barista boys covered for me cause I forgot my wallet) and left them a very nice tip. Usually I get some homework done during this hour but today I was a total space cadet. I was starting to crash. kaput!
I could not keep my eyes open during calculus. I haven't been this close to falling asleep in class since my 8am intro to logic class. And of course, the day that I am in pain from exhaustion we go over a simple concept (what a sequence is: 1,2,3,4... 1,.5,.25,...) I was doomed! And I usually sit in the front so I know the Prof saw me dozing off. oops.
After Calculus I have about three hours before my next class. I usually spend it studying and finishing my homework that is due later that night. So I plow through my sleepiness, I have no time to slack. I got all my shit done and was left with about 20 min until physics started. A perfect amount of time for a cat nap. So I curl up in this little chair in the study lounge and rest my eyes. - I wasn't worried about falling asleep because it is extremely difficult for me to do so anywhere but my bed. I know I must have looked ridiculous, I had my legs curled up under me and I was hanging on to the back of the chair so I wouldn't fall off. ...Daydreams or perhaps real dreams all I remember was lots of color.
I think I might have fallen asleep and then my eyes fly open and I see that I have two minutes to get to class. So I jump up out of the chair and almost fall back down. My left leg was completely numb. I couldn't really move it and I couldn't feel anything but I needed to get to class. so I drag my leg behind me out through the library, slowly down the stairs - no need to twist an ankle or fall on my face - and across the mall area. Good thing for me that the physics building is directly across from the library. I noticed that people like to stare at the disabled (or atleast at people trying to run with a leg that wont work).
I get into the physics building and was confused - the lab was closed and no one was around. then ding! its monday silly, lecture today lab tomorrow. So I get into the lecture hall after making a commotion with the doors and half of the class looks back at me - including the professor. I act oblivious to them and scope out a place to sit. yay, my usual spot near front and center - all the better to see the experiments my dear. I walk down to the row and say 'excuse me' to the only person in the row who is sitting on the end. He doesn't even look at me so I bully my way by him without a second thought. evil looks.
Lecture is over and I head off to the discussion section. I annoyed everyone by making the chalk squeak as much as possible. Got all of the questions right yay, then I went home. Ate din din and fed the animals. I've been doing homework up until this (well exclude a couple breaks for playing with the kittens and rolling around on my bed). It's almost three in the morning and I'm still not tired. Nicht sehr gut.
I suppose I made an ass out of myself all day today, but I wasn't embarrassed at all. I don't give a damn what strangers think about me.
I still need to post some pictures but if I were to start that now I would be up til sunrise. So ya'll will just have to wait.
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| This week in hair news.... |
[18 Oct 2004|05:10pm] |
I have bubble-yum bubble gum blue hair!
weeee!!!
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| es einfach. |
[07 Oct 2004|02:21pm] |
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Today I had my first calculus exam (dun dun duuun).
actually it went pretty well, I finished 10 minutes early (which is crazy because for physics and calculus, my mind goes blank for the first twenty minutes and then DING! I'll remember what I'm supposed to do and then i'm left scrambling to finish). so yay me! I deserve a cookie. gimme gimme
I think usps stole my package. I sent a painting to my friend JoJo and I decorated the box all pretty like... two days after I sent it out, they tried to deliver my package back to me. It was clearly labdled TO: jojo FROM: me. It was supposed to be there the 17th of sept. wtf is going on. Tomorrow I get off of school early so I think I'm going to go raise some hell. NOT ACCEPTABLE GOD DAMNIT.
Kittens are still as cute as ever. I taught Prozac how to play fetch, she's my little circus cat. She'll do 360 backflips when we play. awwwww
I think thats about it, I need to write a paper on the existence of dark matter for my next class. so I best get crackin.
doot doot doo.
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| Yay, Lyriel went out! |
[27 Sep 2004|04:38pm] |
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I went to the Icon of Coil show last night at the urban wildlife. So much fun :) I haven't gone out since my friends birthday which was end of august... either because of school work or lack of funds.
My throat is on fire - too much screaming and smoke. That and I got sick from drinking some black tea this morning (even though I had breakfast) I think I might have an ulcer (maybe two!). happy happy joy joy
I just want to go home and make some hot chocolate and scrounge for something to eat. but no, physics until 9 pm.
I think I'm going to start swimming on fridays (excluding this friday cause I'm going home for the weekend). yes, swimming is good. Then maybe I'll be in somewhat shape so I can start martial arts. hiya!
*remember* cruxshadows, monday night @ saloon FREE!
good night.
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[14 Sep 2004|04:42pm] |
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School is going well. I'm taking twenty credits this semester - one week in and there already is quite a bit to do. Last night, I discovered that understanding organic chemistry and physics while stoned is much easier :) And yes, I still remember what I've read.
I can't decide if I want to take Karate this semester. It fits perfectly in my schedule (during my three hour break) but that would mean my study break would be cut down to one hour. And I would have to rent a locker to keep my gi and shower crap in (I'm not going to go to my night classes all sweaty and stinky now). Or I could skip karate and just swim. Or I could forget about my physical health and just work my noogin. *shrug*
This weekend I think I'll dye the back half of my head blue. Cause I no have job, so why not? be crazy while I can.
Anyone know of a good FREE site for hosting pictures?
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| yein |
[05 Sep 2004|09:51pm] |
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dorky |
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music |
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blub blub |
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I'm not sure about keeping this journal. As you can probably tell, I haven't been using it much lately. As I look back, most of the entries are of current stresses/problems or of daily pocket lint. Not another pissing and moaning (well maybe sometimes) but it is time for a change.
This is going to evolve to a new
babble
mess of
abstract finger painting
wound together in a
daisy chain
something which is all about
.
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[11 Jun 2004|12:16pm] |
I'm going on vacation in upper michigan for nine days :)
do a lil fishin
do a lil hikin
relax....
toodles!
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| I'm the luckiest person in a raincloud |
[03 Jun 2004|02:39am] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
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music |
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:wumpscut: - bleed in silence |
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The world attacked me today. In less than one hour I was served a four course meal...
I lost my phone.
I found an outrageous parking ticket under my wiper blade.
Because of a bureaucratic technicality, I can't work this summer. I don't know what's going to happen.
Both of my cats went into heat again.
plus one of my good friends moved to colorado today. sad.
I went biking and read a little at a cafe and things are better now. except for the cats... nothing can help when a cat is howling at 3am.
remember to breathe
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[01 Jun 2004|06:31pm] |
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I had an interview today with a lab on the St Paul U of MN campus. And I got it! We already did all of the paper work and as soon as everything is entered and checked out (hopefully by thursday) I can start!
Time to celebrate!
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[28 May 2004|02:35am] |
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mood |
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giddy |
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music |
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Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang |
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Tomorrow I leave for Madison for my little brother's bday and my cousin's wedding on sat. Since I've been poor and haven't had much to eat lately, I'm going to glutton myself. Also, I'll be doing some hardcore cleaning of my grandmother's house to make up for the money she's been giving me.
My kittens are going to come along for the ride and hopefully I can ditch one at my dad's house. I really can't handle two kittens (nor can I afford both of them to be spade). Still need to do that. Two cats in heat at the same time is the most god awful thing.
I applied for another science job today at the U. *fingers are crossed* and I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I've had enough disappointment lately.
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| Life is a ride within. |
[13 May 2004|03:19pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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Velvet Acid Christ - Icon |
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I'm not sure of what that means, it struck me last night as I was trying to fall asleep.
( More babble during the night... )
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